Fading

I feel myself fading at times, riding the wind's current as I slip into unconsciousness. I don't even recognize my old work as I stare at it thinking I wish I could write like that. I hate wandering aimlessly, and this is probably why I multitask, I dream, I write, I hate reality I want to escape it in some way at times.

I scare myself at night, dreaming of death and how it will all end. I picture the world turning and all I can see is blackness, in my demise. I hate thinking about slipping into senility. A body losing its mind, what a waste. I'm scared to lose control, and this is perhaps why I do not drink. I hate the idea of not being in control of what I do, the ability to make decisions based on my constant awareness. So that makes me a control freak...is this a bad thing? Is my controlling personality a flaw worth looking into?

I often wonder what life would be like had I let go of my inhibitions and let my mind and heart go through what I was exposed to early in my life. I found myself feeling like an old man, walking down the high school hallways. I hated them all, now that I remember. I didn't care about anyone I hurt, and pretended to console them....like I actually gave a shit. Why did I do that?

I've been busy as hell. To update the situation here, I have been giving school 110% and the other 90% goes to work and family. I find myself thinking, writing and talking about games more than I can play them. This has done a large amount of damage to my gamer ego as I find smaller, faster games more inviting at this point. I can't wait till I see some light at the end of this tunnel. Till next time.

P.S.
I promise I will write more when I can...but then again I can never really keep promises, its a family trait.